Guns and Tacos

I Hang Out With Famous Rap Stars All the Time.

February 15th, 2010 in Insanity! by Jay | 5 responses

Listen closely, you’ll hear Chingo Bling give Taqueria Taconmadre a shout.

Last week I heard about an event at Club Status in Houston’s Midtown district where Chingo Bling would be hanging out.  You probably know who he is, but in case you live with your mom and listen to Foreigner albums all day, Chingo is a  prolific rap artist who has corroborated with Nelly, Chamillionaire and Paul Wall, and he happens to live in Houston, Texas. His most recent album is titled “Me Vale Madre“.

I wanted to be prepared for this moment, so two days before this endeavor, I bought a $15 pager from a little shop on Bellfort. Out in Channelview (on my way to Karanchos), I picked up two strips of Black Cats and a length of fuse. If you’re a mercenary like myself, you know how handy Black Cats can be in a tactical situation of importance such as this.

If you live in Houston, you know how Yellow Cab is. There may seem to be other independent cab services, but they’re all owned by Yellow Cab, and you can never depend on a ride. To counter this, I forged a relationship with a Yellow Cab driver I’ll call “Bob”, since that is his real name. He talks too much, but he’ll pick me up anytime I want, 24 x 7. In return, I have to play harmonica along with whatever album he decides to play. Which is cool unless he’s in a reggae kind of mood. It’s really hard to burn up a blues harp to reggae music, I’m just saying.

Chingo Bling and Roxxi Jane

Bob brought me to the joint around 8 or so, and I waited for Chingo Bling to show up.  The bar was blue, and when I turned around and looked again, it was red. It took me a while to figure out that the bar changed colors. Freaky. There weren’t any barstools at the color-changing bar, just an array of VIP sections against the wall.

Hector the bartender explained that the  silver buckets were for champagne, and no, I could not use it as an ice bucket for my Lone Star Beer.

Chingo Bling arrived with an entourage of several beautiful women, and four giant bodyguards that looked like they ate a bowl of bullets for breakfast and seasoned them with pepper spray. I was prepared for the bodyguards, because I was on a mission, which I’ll share with you.

If you don’t know about #TTC3, the Houston Chowhound’s third annual Taco Truck Crawl on April 10, you must be playing Mass Effect at your sister’s house and trying to figure out why nobody is interested in sharing the box of 50 Chicken McNuggets you fervently saved up for. Hell, you’re probably asking for that godawful barbecue sauce. You probably own more than two cats. Get a hold of yourself, cat man.

Long story short,my plan was to get Chingo Bling to hang out at TTC3, hell or high water.

Once Chingo seemed somewhat approachable, I dialed the number to the pager I had given Bob. He lit the fuse to the Black Cats and tossed them underneath one of the nice cars that the valet guys tend to park up close to the front of the joint.

My plan was for the bodyguards to go nuts and fly out of the place so I could get Chingo Bling alone long enough to make my case. The firecrackers started popping.  Instead of freaking out, the seasoned and wary bodyguards, who surprisingly knew the difference between gunshots and Black Cats, casually stepped outside to check it out. All but one.

Steph Marie and Chingo Bling show me the correct way to throw dueces.

Anyway, this was my chance. I approached Chingo, and as the Incredible Mexican Hulk stood in my path, Chingo called him off in Spanish. I proceeded to introduce myself to Chingo. He took his sunglasses off, ordered me a Shiner, and gave the group  of hot chicks a dismissive motion so we could have a private chat.

He came closer so I could hear him over the thumping dance music.

“What’s with the Black Cats, dumb ass?”, he politely inquired .

Another bodyguard appeared about five paces away on my right.

I considered explaining, but decided to get to the point.

“I’d like for you to attend the Third Annual Houston Chowhounds Taco Truck Crawl“, I announced with my most stolid game face.

He cracked a smile and introduced me to the ladies.

Roxxi Jane (@Suprlatina on Twitter) is a dance/pop singer who has recently been working her way to the pop charts. You can listen to her mixtape, or wait for her widely anticipated  album, Everybody Loves Pink. Our conversation quickly went to taco trucks, and she told me about some of her favorites.

I was also happy to meet Steph Marie Tunchez (@OStephy), a mariachi singer and violinist who I’ve been following on Twitter for some time. She also knows her tacos, and she suggested a few places that weren’t on my map.

Laura Gonzalez (@ThatGirlLala), TV hostess of Lala’s World on Houston’s 55 was also in attendance.

My rockstar lobbying was successful. I’m very happy to report that so far it looks like everyone will be coming to Taco Truck Crawl 3.

After doing a few shots of tequila with the bodyguards, I stumbled outside to find Bob the cab driver, but he was gone. I haven’t seen him since.

Hope that guy’s alright.