Guns and Tacos

Ode to El Chupacabra

September 3rd, 2009 in Insanity! by Jay | 5 responses

Every once in a while in Texas, someone comes across an odd looking dog, shoots it, calls it a Chupacabra and gets famous for a few days. The most recent story comes from Blanco, Texas, and was posted on the front page of CNN.

I’m no taxonomist, but when I saw the picture, I knew exactly what it was. A Mexican Hairless, also known as a Xoloitzcuintli. A fitting name, because if you were to look at this disgusting hellion of a creature, that’s exactly what you’d name it. A friggin’ Xoloitzcuintli.

Why don't they feature caricatures of me in Disney Movies? Why?

These things have been running stray in Mexico since Aztecs were chopping off human heads in record numbers to satisfy the Sun God. That being said, it’s not too far off to call these things chupacabras, because if I saw one of these things sucking the life out of one of my goats, I think I’d just chalk it up as a supernatural creature, and blow up my goat with a guided missile of some sort.

I saw one at a horse ranch in Cozumel a few years ago. Some of the other tourists fed it their leftover tacos to my dismay, and one of them ACTUALLY LET THAT THING LICK HER FACE. I would pay good money for video footage of that, because I still don’t believe it myself.

If you reviewed that linked article I mentioned earlier, you can see LA folks dogging on us Texans for being dumb enough to believe in chupacabras in the comments section.

Which is fine with me, because they’re dumb enough to live in California where you can’t buy any guns to defend yourself against chupacabras, genius.

Anyhow, I thought I’d set up a little hoax of my own.

Blanco, TX is pretty close to San Antonio, so I went to Craigslist.com in San Antonio and posted a missing Mexican Hairless dog in Blanco just to see what became of it. I used this picture of a slightly more respectable-looking Xoloitzcuintli:

Yes, people own these as pets. People with allergies.

The first 2 responses were some kind of automated posts from “dog finders”, which are people that apparently have some kind of job finding lost dogs. Doesn’t sound very profitable. One of them was funny, but way too long to post. Here are some of the others:

“Hi I saw your ad on craiglist. Thier is a taxidermist in blanco that says he has chapurada. But it really looks like your dog. the story is ksat channel 12. Im not sure but maybe you should check it out. Hope this helps” – Casey & Penelope

What is chapurada, some kind of skin disorder?

“I know you might think I’m kidding, but a couple of days ago it was all over the news that the chupacabras was found dead in blanco, tx. The sad part is that the animal they showed looks just like your dog. Look it up on CNN.com I  wish I was joking, but I’m really serious.
http://sanantonio.craigslist.org/laf/1356613673.html
Dave

Did you catch that? He sent me a link to my own post. Thanks Dave!

Hi- I saw your ad and I know this sounds werid but I saw a video on CNN about a guy who found the “chupacabra” in Blanco, TX….but to me it looks like a dog (in fact, your dog)….I know this sounds werid, but look at the video yourself…….I don’t know if this helps…….Simone
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/offbeat/2009/09/01/roldan.chupacabra.KSAT?iref=videosearch

Werid is the right word in this context, Simone. Thank you.

This person preferred to give me the horrible news over the phone:

if you have not located your dog please call me.  Gloria  555-555-5555  The information may not be helpful but I do pray for your peace of mind. God bless

This one wasn’t entirely convinced, but still had the good nature to coldly inform me of my pet’s early demise at the hands of a taxidermy student:

is this a hoax?
anyhow there was a yahoo report yesterday about a chupacabra found in blanco, tx. pretty much looked just like that dog u posted a pic of. is dead and located at a taxidermy in blanco. do a yahoo search.

I hope these posts bring you as much guilty entertainment as they did for me. I’ll leave you with a photo of a taco truck with a chupacabra on it. Check back for updates on this post as more responses become available.

This is probably the coolest picture that has ever been taken in history.