Guns and Tacos

Why Won’t Chamillionaire Follow me on Twitter?

December 4th, 2009 in Insanity! by Jay | 14 responses

Facebook, MySpace, forget it. I started a Facebook account a week ago and I already hate it.

Twitter’s my thing. My name is @GunsandTacos, and with Twitter, I’m not forced to ‘reconnect’ with people I avoided back in school, or to help anyone move into a 2nd story apartment. I can be a big mystery if I want, and that’s the way I like it.

Twitter’s easy. All you have to do is talk a lot, and refrain from mentioning anything about loved ones, kids, politics, religion, boners, or pets. (especially pets).

When I discovered Twitter, the first thing I did was remove all of the Twitter-default celebrity followers, mostly because I didn’t know who they were. A lifetime Houston resident, I thought I’d lean toward Houston celebrities.

Politicians are boring, so I scratched them off of the list.

Artists are too cool to use Twitter.

Gun nuts like myself don’t use Twitter, because we are generally too busy stockpiling ammo for the upcoming zombie apocalypse to deal with these frivolities.

Sports? I’m not really into sports that don’t involve guys who are shooting, stabbing, or at least punching one another.

Musicians? Same category as artists. If they do tweet, I’m going to assume they’ve got some hot groupie tweeting for them. Yawn.

After ruling out each of these, I found a Houston celebrity that fits none of these categories: Chamillionaire.

@Chamillionaire has more followers than @JesusChrist Himself. No really, look it up.

Hakeem Seriki, better known as Chamillionaire (@Chamillionaire on Twitter), is a Grammy-Award winning rapper,  best known for the 2005 song “Ridin”, a #1 hit, which was so big it was even parodied by Weird Al Yankovic.

Who am I kidding, you know the song.

I would list a few more songs, but “Ridin” is the only one I know. Chamillionaire is currently working on a new album, titled “Venom”. He claims that this name was voted upon by his listeners, but I suspect it has something to do with Venom the energy drink, since Nelly did the Pimp Juice thing.

At the time of this writing, Chamillionaire has 271,199 followers. A Chamillitary, if you will. (Relax, I didn’t make that word up.)

This intrigued and inspired me. Besides creating a Grammy-winning album, how could I get in on some of this multi-thousand follower action?

Imagine if I was having eggs and bacon for breakfast, tweeted about it, and almost 300,000 people heard me at the same time. What would happen?

Okay, I need a better example.

Imagine getting stuck at a bus stop, and you just ran out of cash. You could just grab your cell and tweet, “Can anybody near West Alabama and Richmond Street spare a dollar?” and wow, I bet you ‘d have your dollar before the bus got there.

Or maybe they could just give you a ride, because why are you taking the bus anyway?

You’ve got 271,199 Twitter followers.

Just think about how this would change your monthly argument with ComCast.

“No, you may not put me on hold, shitpurse. Do you know how many Twitter followers I have?”

I would use this line daily to get free things from people, to settle arguments, and to generally show off.  My posture would improve.

Don’t laugh.  It worked for Adam Savage (the non-quiet guy from Mythbusters) when he disputed an $11,000 AT&T phone bill and had it dismissed – once they found out how many Twitter followers he had.

Considering the scope of his entourage, what if Hakeem just mentioned my Twitter name once? The Chamillitary would follow me for sure.

I just had to respond to a topic that Chamillionaire brought up himself. And Chamillionaire comes up with some riveting topics.

Obviously, he was intending to incite a response from his followers, an elite group that I belong to. So I tried “Re-Tweeting” him, by responding with “Yes”, as in, “Yes, you are the only person left on Earth that still says siiike.”

I only got one response, from the only member of the Chamillitary that happened to be following me, my friend Lina.

Well, that didn’t work.  I soon realized that I wasn’t going to make much progress this way. Since rap music uses a lot of sampling from older songs, I thought I would make some musical recommendations which might help him come up with some new rap beats.

I’ve tossed dozens of these videos at him, to no avail. Here’s one of my favorites. You can press play on this one (below).

2009-09-29 05:01:07
GunsandTacos: @chamillionaire, I would like to introduce  the Chirgil Chin
throatsingers from Tuva.

Still, no response.

I came up with another tactic: What if I just pretended like I knew him personally? This would have to incite a response. If someone did this to me, I’d lose my noodles.

2009-11-06 03:05:10
GunsandTacos: Headed to the Kenny Rogers concert with @Chamillionaire.
Wish he wouldn’t smoke in my car.

2009-10-13 04:27:26
GunsandTacos: @chamillionaire, it’s really def that you let your audience
choose your new album name, “Venom”. Totally Baltic.

Perhaps I wasn’t being personal enough.

I’m not sure why I want Chamillionaire to follow me on Twitter. I’m a fan of rap music, sure, but I only know that one Chamillionaire song.

We could toss a football around or even grab a bite at a local taco truck while we listen to “Ridin”, but I’m not sure how well we would really get along.

I’ve sent him Youtube videos of the masters: Ronnie Milsap, Arty Hill, Crystal Gayle, and even Englebert Humperdinck, and have yet to receive a single response. Doesn’t he know I’m trying to help?

He lives in Houston, my city, and I’m all over this place. I’m bound to run into him sooner or later. What seems to be more intriguing is the fact that out of his hundreds of thousands of followers, he is only following 291 people.

The Twitterverse is an unusual place, and sometimes it can make it easier to contact your favorite celebrities. But that doesn’t mean it will happen, even if you’re persistent.

Or maybe I just haven’t been persistent enough.